Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
