just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
