You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
