I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
