is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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