We're facebook friends in real life
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
