i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
