It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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