Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
