theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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