he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Drunk is not a location!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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