You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
