This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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