Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
