Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
