The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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