I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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