The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I didn't shave. On purpose
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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