wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
