Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
