He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
