I met the friendliest cop last night
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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