I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
