now i know why i became what i already was.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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