just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
