I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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