So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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