I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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