I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
