Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
