I just pynch a tree in the face
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
