my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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