well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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