dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
