Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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