I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
