she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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