My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
