Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
