I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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