You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
