i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
