I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
