I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
