he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
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