tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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