Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
