This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I deserve this hangover.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
