he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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