My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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