seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
