ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
