Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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